I did it.

Today was the first day that I did it. I have watched so many mothers do it in stores, in the park, in the car, and basically at any public place you can imagine. I promised myself I would never do it, and rightly so, because those people who do it look unbalanced and insane. And yet, today, I did it. In Walmart. In the card aisle and most disturbingly, with other people around. If you are faint of heart (and stomach) do not read ahead.

I, Courtney, baby talked to Abigail while she was sleeping in her carseat which was at the top of my cart. I did this spontaneously in the middle of the aisle. To make matters worse, I uttered "what are you doing? sleeping?". It was like the scene from A Christmas Story when Ralph screams "FUDGE" (only it wasn't fudge). The world suddenly went in slow motion and I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my own mouth! In my haze, I heard some older human-resource Walmart woman demand over the intercom: "Would the crazy woman in aisle 6 please stop baby talking to the sleeping child. It is disturbing the child and all the other customers. If you cannot control yourself, you will be asked to leave and DSS will be contacted".

Those of you who have read the above and have decided to end any relationship with me, I support your decision and wish I could do the same.

The situation was amplified two fold from the usual embarassment of baby talk in a public place. The first amplification was the fact that Abigail was sleeping. Why on earth was I talking to her? I would like to defend myself by saying that perhaps it is the endless hours alone at home with Abigail that caused me to have this sick outburst. Besides talking to Dr. Phil, Oprah and occasionally Maury Povich, I generally do not speak to other adults during the day. This withdrawal causes me to have conversations with Abby that, let's be honest, she might not understand.

The second amplification was the statement I made. "What are you doing...sleeping?" Isn't this obvious? What kind of question was this? This type of talk makes me nervous for Abigail. As she grows up, she might not develop mentally if I only challenge her with these obvious questions. Can you imagine? "What are you doing Abby? eating? walking? reading? going to college?" Or perhaps she will develop normally and just wonder at how her mom turned stupid at her birth.

Years from now, Adam and Grandma will have to tell Abby stories about when mommy was a normal human and had a semblance of intelligence. I hope Abby and I can escape this maternity leave no worse for the wear. All I know is from now on, I am watching my mouth when in Walmart.